What To Say To A Rape Survivor

Remember that it is essential for rape survivors to regain control of their own lives, and that they must feel able to make their own decisions. It is important for you to allow your friend the time and space to make decisions, and then support them even if you don't agree.

• I'm glad you survived.
• It's not your fault.
• I'm sorry that it happened.
• You did the best you could.

Be a good listener. This may mean finding a quieter place to talk, and letting your friend explain what happened at their own pace and in their own terms, if it is not an emergency.

Assist your friend in getting the help they want or need. This may mean providing phone numbers, information, transportation, etc.

If your friend feels guilty for not fighting back, tell them that no matter what they did when they were raped, they acted in the best manner they could. Fear often paralyzes people. If they "cooperated" or submitted to an assault, that does not make them a willing participant. Tell your friend that you are glad they survived, and that submitting to an assault is a form of self-protection and self-defense, too.

• Don't ask "why" questions:
• Why didn't you scream?
• Why did you go up to his room?
• Don't give advice, or try to tell the survivor what she or he "must" do.
• Don't tell the survivor what you would have done.
• Don't ask if your friend led the perpetrator on - or suggest in any other way that your friend's behavior "invited" the rape.
• Don't ask your friend what they were wearing. There is no style of clothing that can protect you from rape, and clothes never "invite" rape.
• Don't blame the victim.
• Don't imply that it wasn't a "real" rape because your friend knew the person who assaulted them.

- Adapted from materials from the Rape Victim Advocacy Program, Iowa City, IA