Supporting Survivors of Domestic Violence

If someone you know is being abused by a partner, it's important to encourage them to act for their own well-being and safety. At the same time, you must trust that they are in the best position to make decisions about their own lives.

• If you suspect abuse, ask. Help them define and label the abuse they are experiencing. Communicate ideas such as, "I'm concerned about you." and "I know abuse happens in many relationships. If you ever feel in danger, I will help you in any way I can."
• Let your friend know that you believe them. This means being aware of your own attitudes and reactions to violence. Communicate that, "I'm glad you told me about the abuse."
• Assure your friend that you will not betray their trust. Communicate that "What you tell me is confidential. I want to know how I can help you."
• Let your friend express their feelings. Victims of abuse have every right to be afraid, angry, sad, etc., but may not have felt safe to express any of these emotions in the past.
• Express your concern for your friend's safety and the safety of their children. Some survivors may believe the abuser's promises to change, or may not believe that their situation is as dangerous as it is. Without judging their perceptions, focus on the reality of their situation by communicating ideas such as, "This injury shows me that you are in danger," "I'm afraid for you," and "You have the right to be safe".
• Let your friend know that help is available. Have information on hand or know where to get information about hotlines, shelter, counseling, and legal advocacy. Even though most domestic violence shelters can only house women and children, let male survivors know that A Woman's Place will help them find a safe place to stay in an emergency. Ask them if they would like to report the abuse to police, and tell them that even if they don't want to do that now, they can always call 911 in an emergency. Understand that they may need time before making any decisions.
• Reinforce that nobody deserves to be abused. Your friend may be hearing many blaming messages from family and friends (such as, "well, what did you do to provoke the fight?" or "you shouldn't have..."). Remind your friend that the abuser is the one who chose to abuse - it is never a victim's fault.
• Realize that your friend may feel embarrassed or humiliated about the abuse. This is understandable, since the abuser has used insults and humiliation to make the victim feel bad about themself. Remind your friend that the abuse is not their fault - that it is the abuser who should be ashamed. Your friend may also worry that people who have offered to help in the past will be discouraged or unwilling to help now. Let your friend know that you will be there for them whenever they're ready to get help.
• Be aware that abusers often use isolation, fear, and intimidation to control victims. Many abusers isolate their partner by moving them away from family and support networks, attempting to undermine their partner's friendships, demanding total economic dependence, or using threats and accusations to make their partner feel they can't reach out to others in their life. Remind your friend that they are not alone. Connecting with others through support groups and telling trusted people can help break the isolation. Support your friend's efforts to reach out to others.